What tiny fractions will I report from my profound experiences? I cannot possibly verbalize them all.
What snippets will you get?
This is bibliaugury, too; which page of the book of my living-beingness will I finally share in the very small opportunities that present themselves, in the great ocean of experiencing I am dancing and flowing with?
I can’t even predict.
The choices we make are not only the choices we make; they are everything else that happens around and because of the choices we make.
I’m here. I exist.
Day 32 • 15 November 2023
Don’t push, I let flow through me.
What do you mean, don’t push? some rigid, long-contorted, bruised and aching parts of my body ask.
Days 33-34 • 16-17 November 2023
When striving too diligently, rigor can rancor.
We can tell ourselves, I should — should — should be able to do it, and yearn for force to achieve what nourishment and somatic presencing should have facilitated. That is, if nourishment and somatic presencing had been available when we most needed them.
But there’s no time like the present for somatics, even long-supplanted by stressors beyond our control.
Day 35 • 18 November 2023
It is only in relational integrity with the body… removing force from our relationships with others, yes, and also from our relationships with ourselves… we accomplish the goal.
In truth, I had already written dozens of forms of what I had been striving toward.
The complexities and physical realities of moving towards the peak of events now beginning to unfold had been occupying my every mote and moment.
Day 36 • 19 November 2023
How is it synthesized?
What does one bit have to do with another bit?
And what do head injuries have to do with any of it?
Day 37 • 20 November 2023
I sit down to type, and Venus scintillates in the night sky south-east. She whispers me a greeting and arouses questions in me. I remember my breathing.
In the nearly-here early days of December 2023, we will initiate a momentous process — a series of serious procedures — to remedy this past decade’s collections of blunt force head injuries and neurological poisonings.
Some number of concussions (it’s tricky to count them, after the first three) have significantly shifted the bones of my head, profoundly affecting glial function and altering the body’s detoxification pathways — making my brain too easy to poison; causing all manner of other challenges.
Discovering this was a great blessing. Endeavoring to reach an accessible solution has been many, many months (many years) in the making.
Innumerable others never even had the chance to recognize their own concussive injuries; but I am abundantly lucky.
Once we move my head bones back into place… and travel through recovery… what, I wonder, will be more easy?
What will I understand differently?
How will I find my capacities transmuting?
Venus is rising and rising.
I think I hear her singing.